Catholic Church vs Non-denominational Church

In my early twenties I was a practicing Catholic but then when I was twenty-four years old my ex-boyfriend committed suicide and I got really mad at God because of it. My brother had committed suicide when I was twenty years old, but this time going through the whole experience was a lot worse. So, I rebelled against God in my anger and I started practicing witchcraft, reading things on the occult and new age spirituality. I thought if God can’t protect me from bad things happening then I will protect myself! What was I thinking!?

Fast forward to the year 2000. I was a mess from doing witchcraft, being interested in the occult and new age spirituality. I started listening to the local Christian radio station and they had music and radio programs from mainstream Evangelical protestant pastors on that I enjoyed listening to. Those programs planted some seeds, but not all of them were good.

I started going to an evangelical mega church in a large city which was a two-hour drive roundtrip.I was still one big mess even though I was going to that church. Then decided one day to go to the Catholic church I went to in my early twenties. I felt peace during the mass, and that was the first time I had felt peace in a long time.I had evangelical friends who asked me to go to church with them, and so I did. I have been alternating between the catholic church and non-denominational churches for a long time.

Then in 2015 I was baptized by full immersion at a non-denominational evangelical church. It was an amazing experience. After my second baptism I knew without a doubt Jesus was God and that He would have died for me if I had been the only one who needed to be forgiven. But I had anxiety throughout the services, just like I experienced at all other non-denominational evangelical churches. And that never happened when I went to the catholic church.

Since the pandemic I have been watching church services online. I have been teeter-tottering between the non-denominational church and the Catholic church for years and I cannot seem to stick with one. When I feel God drawing me to the Catholic church. and I am happier and more peaceful, but I don’t understand all the rules or devotion to Mary, and then I leave. I go back to the mega evangelical non-denominational churches, and I get disgusted with the some of the pastors because they are constantly talking about tithing, their latest book, bashing the Catholic church and Mary, or talking about politics, so I leave and go back to the Catholic church. And on and on it goes.

I bashed the Catholic church, and praying to Mary and saints on this website in the past. Every time I have, I regretted it and deleted the post.

I need to make a decision and stick with it. One or the other. When I do decide, I have to cut one side off completely. I can’t be both evangelical non-denominational and Catholic.

While writing this post I think I already made my decision, but I am not telling any of my protestant friends.