Wrestling With My Faith

I fell down after I missed the last step when I was walking down the stairs without the light on and I didn’t have my glasses on saturday night when it was starting to get dark. I ended up landing on my hands and knees. A first my right foot hurt, so I wore my compression wrap on it, and that helped a lot. I have a big bruise on my knee, but it doesn’t hurt to walk. My Sacroiliac (S1) joint which is the joint that connects the back to the pelvis bone hurts a lot. I have bilateral arthritis in it anyway and most times it does not bother me. I experience sciatica pain on the left side of my lower body most of the time. But right now, the lowest part of my back hurts the worst and it is chronic pain.

When I am in pain, I think God is punishing me for my sins. Then I wonder if He even loves me at all. Back in 2022 when my sciatica pain was at its worst I yelled at God and called Him a liar and rejected the love God had shown me when I was in my early twenties. I think I said to God “you don’t love me.” Then I repented after that, but it’s like God put a block in my mind so now I can barely remember that love now.

Another thing happened a month or two later in 2022. I decided to pray a prayer of protection over this home. I looked up prayers for protection over a home online, and I found a bunch of them, and I prayed them out loud. As soon as I was done praying one of the prayers, I felt the presence of Jesus. His presence was so strong and I felt so peaceful, I couldn’t have worried if I tried. That feeling stayed all afternoon and most of the night. It was so wonderful. I thought, “this has got to be what heaven feels like.”

I know what it says in the bible about God loving us. I know Jesus would have gone through the torture he endured and the crucifixion just for me, but there are times I doubt. I have had depression and anxiety for years and the physical pain just makes it worse. I take medications for anxiety and depression, but the antidepressant I take makes me feel emotionally numb most of the time and I rarely cry now. The last time I really cried was when I was mad at God and yelled at him and called him a liar.

Jesus gave me a gift when He let me feel his presence of peace so strong. I can remember that presence, and I need to cling to it. When He was being whipped, beaten, and crucified, His pain was a lot worse than what I am going through. But He understands our pain and I take comfort in that.