Four years and four days after my brother killed himself, my ex-boyfriend killed himself just like my brother did. He recorded himself on a cassette tape, drove out in the country and shot himself. I was at work when one of my friends called me. I was distraught, and left work early that day.
I really fell apart at home and cried and cried. I couldn’t believe it. I had just finally started getting over my brother’s death. I said to God the day before my ex-boyfriend died, “I hope I never have to go through that again.” My ex-boyfriend had gone my brother’s funeral, and he said to me that night that he couldn’t understand why anyone would want to commit suicide.
My ex had called me over a year before his death wanting me to help him quit drinking. He wanted to go out with me again, but he had already left me twice for the same girl, so I did not want to date him again. I wanted to be friends, like we were before we started dating. I agreed to go to a movie in the afternoon that Sunday. On the way home I don’t remember us talking. When he dropped me off, I was going to turn to say goodbye and he looked so hopeful, like he wanted to come in the house or get a kiss. I didn’t say anything but just shook my head no and got out of the car. He never called again. I saw him at a local bar drinking by himself six months later when my friends and I went out one night, and he looked awful.
I tried to go to his wake with a friend and I remember screaming in her car that I couldn’t believe that he had killed himself. I went into the wake, and I remember talking to his brother, then turned and looked at one of his friends and started crying and left. I worked on the day of his funeral because I couldn’t handle going to the funeral.
After he died, I got mad at God, and I was mad at my ex-boyfriend. I decided to give up on God because he didn’t prevent the suicide. I thought if God can’t protect me, I will protect myself! I started reading about new age spirituality, witchcraft and the occult. I used to read palms and I also practiced witchcraft. I had a warped view of Jesus. I didn’t think of him as powerful as God. I thought of him as less than God. I tried to worship pagan gods but still believed in God and included God in my witchcraft along with a Mother Goddess who I saw as the spirit of wisdom that I had read about in new age and gnostic writings. I am sure I offended God. I thought the passage in the bible about John the Baptist as Elijah was proof of reincarnation. I didn’t think of Jesus as God who walked on earth in the flesh. I thought he was less than God. I didn’t understand his sacrifice. It didn’t make any sense to me. Why did he have to die? I thought His death was a waste. I didn’t understand the resurrection.
It wasn’t until much later that I gave my life to Jesus, but before I did I went through some really dark times. Even after I gave my life to Jesus it was not easy. I carried around a lot of guilt and couldn’t accept the fact that God had forgiven me of all the bad things I had done in my life. Getting into new age spirituality, practicing witchcraft, reading palms and rejecting him, were some of the worst things I have done in my life. I cried out to God so I could feel His Presence. It took a long time for me to feel forgiven. But I know I have been forgiven, and I have felt His Presence.
Know you can be forgiven of even the worst sins. No matter what you have done, God will forgive you if you ask Him. No matter you have done what he will forgive you. He isn’t some big meanie in the sky out to get you, that’s what the enemy wants you to think. The enemy the devil hates our guts because we are made in God’s image. God is peace and love. If you want to know what God the Father is like, look at Jesus. And the best way to get to know them is by reading the bible and talking to them.
MKR Prodigal Daughter Christian Perspectives from a Prodigal 